07-14-17 As cold a rock that was…


Sorry to do this to you, but this next paragraph is where we ended the work from the day before.  We had to start with an apology.  We had thought of Dr. Cooper and something that had happened with him, to explain our “deconstruction” urges, but by then … well, and because dinner was starting to smell pretty good and it was late in the afternoon … we diverged.  Yeeks!  It happens, you know?

We told Dr. Marvin about an old psychologist we used to see between 1985-1987.  His name was Dr. Cooper, and he was great, but not really qualified to deal with our problems.  He did help a lot at the time.  We were very stuck on him.  We’d imagine his smile for hours!  I know … this is where people convey, yes, it is easy to fall in love with your therapist.  Back then, hugs were allowed, but then we got to UIC with Dr. Woollcott and Dr. Marvin for the next 25 years, and during all that time, there were NO HUGS.  That explanation is for another day, but we can say we’ve got sharp boundaries now!

Ok, good, we’re back now.  What we had WANTED to talk about, before anyone ELSE slipped in and was complaining about not getting hugs … was that when we were with Dr. Cooper, he had once called us “subtle,” and we were like hmm, what the hell does that mean?  Like is it good or bad, or WHAT?!  He is a psychologist and his words were like fairy dust!

Hmm, now we must look up the word “subtle” again.  Damn!  Yes, we have a subscription to Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary!  Here she is.




sub·tler \ˈsət-lər, ˈsə-təl-ər\  (audio pronunciation) ; sub·tlest \ˈsət-ləst, ˈsə-təl-əst\  (audio pronunciation)

1a :  delicateelusivesubtle

aroma of sandalwood><subtle lights and shadows>subtle steps — Elinor Wylie>b :  difficult to understand :  obscuresubtle, not to say opaque — Ruth McKenney>c :  hard to distinguish or describe :  imperceptibleintangible<subtle distinctions>subtle to be formulated — B. N. Cardozo><subtle hints of impending disaster — Leland Miles>

2a :  perceptiverefinedsubtle

vision — Herbert Read>subtle language — Time>b :  marked by insight or sensitivity<subtle music>subtle characterization><subtle proportions of the Parthenon>

3(1) :  skillfulingenioussubtle

diplomat — Charlton Laird> (2) :  demanding skill or ingenuitysubtle as the delicate incision of a great surgeon — Ezra Pound>b :  characterized by craft or indirection :  deviouswilysubtle scheme><subtle diplomacy and wary tactics — Arnold Bennett>c :  having a covert and usually injurious effect :  insidioussubtle insinuation>subtle technique of infiltration — C. E. Black & E. C. Helmreich>

— sub·tle·ness noun

Origin of SUBTLE

Middle English sutil, sotil, from Old French soutil, sotil, from Latin subtilis finely woven, fine, thin, refined, keen, subtle, from sub- + -tilis (from tela web); akin to Latin texere to weave — more at technical

First Known Use: 14th century (sense 2a)

Related to SUBTLE


beguilingcagey (also cagy), craftycunningcutedesigningdeviousdodgy [chiefly British], foxyguilefulschemingshrewdslickslyartfultrickywily



Related Words:

astutefacileglibsharpcrookeddeceitfuldeceptivedishonestfraudulentinsinuatingknavishMachiavellianobliqueserpentineshadyshiftyslipperysneakytreacherousunderhandunderhandedunscrupulousbackhandeddouble-dealinghypocriticalinsincereleft-handedmealymealymouthedsmooth-tonguedtwo facedcircuitouscircularroundaboutclandestineconcealedcovertfurtivehugger-muggersecretstealthysurreptitiousundercovercalculatingplotting

Near Antonyms:


We’re back … oh yes, the required …


Merriam-Webster Unabridged.  14, July 2017. Retrieved fromhttp://unabridged.merriam-webster.com/unabridged/subtle

AND, YES … we went over the prescribed number of words, we probably can quote.  Shoot … what to do now?  I don’t have a “regulations” book.  APA Version.  Yes, ok … that … OH BOTHER YOU WITH ALL THAT!  It’s EARLY!  We’re JUST trying to get to the part of explaining why we have brought up Dr. Cooper!

Hmm, as another aside?  I just remembered that when we were in the 5th grade, when we got caught chewing gum, or acting out or something, we had to copy a page in the dictionary.  I wonder if THAT is where this sudden frustration is coming from?!  Well, just so you know … we only took seconds “now-a-day’s” to use our copy/paste functions on the computer – Take that Mrs. Castle!  There will be NO ONE copying by hand dictionary pages NOW DAYS!!!

That earns another suspicious Hmm.  We’re in caps and it’s just early … well later, than before (6:19AM), but way later than 4AM, you know?  Rich just got up and made coffee for the both of us, AND we let out the dog, AND we came back with ice water and cherries.  Yes, a very productive time, thought HEY – it’s on you … Page THREE and STILL no explanation why we’re trying to talk about Dr. Cooper!

Well beside the part that we’re sometimes a little goofy!  There – and look who is the silly one … YOU are READING US!  Hehe Ok, that just struck us as funny … You’re ok, we’re ok.  Oh, AND Dr. Cooper?  Haven’t heard of him for a LONG time.  Not even sure if he’s still alive.  Unfortunately, he had gray hair, back when we saw him about 30 years ago.  YEEKS.  We’re swimming quickly away from that!

Well, one of the other reasons too, that we’d broken protocol and copied the whole dictionary page, was that … after Dr. Cooper had told us, we were subtle, we couldn’t let it go.  We just couldn’t figure it out, SOOO, we wrote 32-pages of words defining words.  It was from a 1977 dictionary, we’d gotten from our BIL, so the definitions weren’t that long, but, we’d put down one word, or sentence, and then we’d have to define each of THOSE words.  And, then we’d define all THOSE words.  You can see where we are going with this.

Looking at the definition today, we’re still not sur of what it meant to Dr. Cooper that we were subtle.  There’s good and bad – IF we were to think in our black and white tendencies.  The part that we were getting to was that like the last couple of days, WAY back in our THIRTIES … well, we were deconstructing then too!  Just we didn’t know that it had a name for it.  Makes it feel not so bad anymore.  Just wished, that some of the parts LIKE ME didn’t have such trouble with words.  We’ll have to figure that out another day.

Hmm, Good cherries.

OK, now … since it’s a brand-new day, and we can choose to do as we wish, we’re going to go back to yesterday’s notes with Dr. Marvin and figure out what else he had to say, other than call us basically, “A deconstructionists!”  Didn’t think that word was getting through the spell-check!  Hey!  We were close, we fixed it 😊

From sly to childlike – JESUS CHRIST Dr. Cooper?!!  What was I?  Ok-ok … backing away from the ledge.

So, ANYWAY … before the “subtle” word came back to us, we had been talking to Dr. Marvin (2017’s!) about self-regulation (we hadn’t gotten back to dissociation (Multiplicity), yet).  Our thing again is to tie the concepts together – Self-regulation and dissociation (Multiplicity).

The NEXT Thing … we had written down was …

Let’s see – he had just suggested we write an exposition, which naturally, we had to look up.  We’re going to be a writer if it KILLS us!  And it might!  Ohh … brings up the kitty picture under the wharf.  Hold-on washroom break.  So many interruptions – don’t you people have some restraint!??

That was funny … on the way into the bathroom, we saw Rich sitting in his rocking chair in the sitting room.  He likes to settle his mind with a cup of coffee before he starts the day.  He asked us in a roundabout-way, how early had we woken up?  We told him 4AM sharp, and we headed for the other room, then turned around and told him about our dreaming.  We had woken up sharp and ready for the day after we heard him as clear as a bell whisper, “Sweetie … Sweetie … it is time to wake up!”  And, so then we woke up … and we looked around … and nobody was there.  So, we went back into the bedroom (we’d fallen asleep in the living room), and there was OUR sweetie, sound asleep in bed.  Wow!  That’s weird.  So, this is Rich and our relationship.  And, when we got out of the bathroom, he said, “Sweetie … Sweetie … get me another cup of coffee!”

Man-o-man!  It’s going to be one of those days.  He said that he had had a “Daydream!”  Goofy guy!  Yes, yes, we got him the coffee AND snuck another smooch!

And, because Dr. Cooper NEVER called us “direct,” let’s get back to that other thing … Dr. Marvin had said, we should write an exposition … we’re taking that to mean … us explaining what was difficult for us to understand about the first four quotes – a general analysis with illustrations or analogies and such – basically, then to “state, present, teach.”  That’s a pretty good idea … Hopefully, today that kind of thing will just happen.  Someone will pick-up the ball and run with it.  As for me?  Don’t have a clue!  Just know that inside us – someone can do it!  Hehe

I am looking at yesterday’s notes with Dr. Marvin again … whoever writes them should be shot for lack of neatness!  I know, I know … she was in a hurry.  She does write fast.  Let’s see, he had said that we were at a fair place to start.  And, we wrote for ourselves that we needed to get “a handle on it,” because if we had to stop and deconstruct EVERYTHING, we would not get anywhere fast!

Giggling … I know … like this entry!  Had to go let out the Dakota.  He was whining because he saw one of our neighborhood bunnies in his yard.  NOOO, it’s not about catching them to EAT!  It’s about wanting to play with some woodland creatures, or another hehe.

We’re going to stop AGAIN … because his 7AM chimes are going to ring, and then he’s going to be all over us for breakfast … Dakota is laying down on his side after getting a treat … and then?!

@ 8:20AM Pswhoo!  Sometime went past there. It is now almost an hour and a half past the time we were going to feed Dakota.  That’s the way it goes, I guess.  During that time, we talked to Rich – though, he wasn’t very chatty today.  He had a lot of things on his list to do.  Then we had breakfast, and soon after that, we took our shower early and got dressed, did the bedroom, and asked Rich to bring the clothes to the laundry room.

Yesterday, we finished a blanket, and ONE load – to get Rich through, but today, we are feeling better after the spin injection, and should do the other 3-4 loads.  SO, that is another thing we did.  We got the laundry started, AND, we picked-up the house and kitchen, and dining table, and went through the mail.  Everything is neat and in order, and we’re FINALLY feeling it is time to progress!  Rich is in his office and Dakota is resting down next to our feet.  Good boy!

I don’t think much else got done.  Full glass of ice water though – THAT counts for something too!

I know, I know … YOU know the drill.  Ok, we were with Dr. Marvin, and …

We are now past “subtle.”  He said the word, “context,” again for something, which puts us in a confused state again, because we still haven’t looked up that word.  Then somehow the word, “concept” came in – maybe a word association, because then we were to a part who was very depressed about not being able to understand psychological concepts.  SOOO … that was the next path, we had to go down.  For therecord, though … let’s look up the word “context.”

I think this is the definition that works the best.

:  the interrelated conditions in which something exists or occurs.


>context of world disarmament — M. W. Straight>context — Oscar Handlin>

Related to CONTEXT



Related Words:


Merriam-Webster Unabridged.  14, July 2017.  Retrieved from:http://unabridged.merriam-webster.com/unabridged/context

So, how the hell are we going to memorize that word?  What’s the problem?  Why don’t we tie it together with the word environment?  So, basically, “interrelates within an environment.”  Not sure how else to take this word from the “spooky” list, but let’s move on.  Might have to put the list up on a post-it note for a while?  OK, that might work.  Hold on.  We put it on a green post-it and put it up by the top of the desk frame, within eyesight AND we added a smiley.  We don’t want to get angry or frustrated for those of us trying so hard to understand.  Just some words, seem sticky for them.  AND, then … because they put us into confusion, then we don’t get to where we were aiming for.  AGAIN, back to Dr. Marvin.  Do you see though, why it’s so hard to be a Multiple?  I want a nicer word for being “interrupted.”  Hmm, there is a fun concept!  We have parts that are just “embedded.”

Hehe maybe they give us the BEST parts in learning 😊 OK, Silly gooses, let’s move on…

Dr. Marvin, had to by this point in the conversation work with one or more of us, who had problems with self-confidence.  While we were talking about this other stuff – in this case Dr. Cooper, we began to feel “worthless.”  In “context,” I could say that we had been focusing on what to do with the writing, but nothing is ever a straight path.  Dr. Marvin had been saying that we work on a document, and that it was important to trade the last “worksheet” with something that was more “Multiple” friendly.  And, by saying that, we believe he meant for both us as a Multiple, and for others who were Multiple.

We were questioning which role we should take – we didn’t know who we were – as to the writer’s or we didn’t know who our audience really was going to be.  It was throwing us for a loop, that we could get to by talking to Dr. Marvin.

He said something about us having over the last week, gained a framework through the Multiplework site/blog.  And, I seem to remember him asking about role we felt, we should take.  We understood our desire to be a writer, but then we next assume ourselves best at just being a “multiple.”  It is a strong identity for us.  And with many efforts, we’ve tried to make ourselves more understandable to others.  There are reasons for ourselves to do this, just as much as to help others.

I’m not sure where, but at during the conversation, someone told Dr. Marvin about being in 4th grade, and knowing more than anything else, we wanted to write.  Our teacher had given the class an assignment to write about anything we wanted, and we’re not sure if she suggested, or we just assumed we should, well, we found a puzzle box at home that was ours.  On the cover, there was a picture of three straggly cats with large “beleaguered eyes,” and they were sitting underneath the wharf, looking lost and forlorn.  Somehow at that time, and with enough verve to remember it forty years later, we very much identified as those poor cats, and we wanted to be able to write, so that, others would understand most likely, the feelings that we were dealing with.  Our friend, Sarah, our best friend, had died that year, when we were ten.  I’m guessing now, our mind was pretty much a “mush.”

Looking at the situation now, and knowing that that assignment never got written, I would believe that at the time, we were having trouble too, making words work.  Even in just writing this last couple paragraphs, we use words, and then must look them up.  Yes, I think that explains things!  Now, all these years later, nothing is more important for us to be doing, than writing.  AND, we have Corey and Sarah to thank for it.  Corey took “our Sarah’s” place, when the real one died.  I have battled with depression for a very long time, but it’s always been the writing that helps us, me, to move on.  Ok.  That’s enough?  This is a little embarrassing.  I know, I know … got to go back to the notes we wrote with Dr. Marvin.  What else happened?

Our interest in writing has always been “multiplicity” and now “self-determination” too.  We want to know how to “go-on” and then, to continue doing that.  That’s the purpose.  We knew talking to Dr. Marvin, we’d figured out that after we were back on our own, that we’d be working on a new version of where we are at so far with “Multiplework.”  Part of that, is just writing the blog entries.  I think we’re going to find that this means will help tell our story as much as any … can’t remember the word again.  We must go look-it up.  That’s it, we’re going to write an exposition.  *sigh*

Anyway, Dr. Marvin said that sounded, “Reasonable.”  YAY!

He must have asked something about why we were doubting ourselves, because the response was, that we didn’t want to waste anyone’s time.  He said something about retrospectively, if we were learning something and making progress to our own accord, then we were doing fine.  He reminded us that we’d taken on a huge project.  He said something about research, and then he mentioned it was as if we wanted to learn Russian.  I can remember the sense of shaking our head, because his words had made sense to us – like so many times before.

Somehow, between the two of us, we had talked about time intrusions and resource intrusions and not being “sure,” and then we thought that was for sure coming from our past.  I think he talked about uncertainty for a few moments.  And, we had told him that confidence, wasn’t our friend.  He had us look at things from a child development perspective, and asked us how does a child develop confidence.

We suggested that they had validation.  Dr. Marvin said, yes, but more directly he added that they received feedback from their parents. We told him that we could guess that we didn’t have much evaluation, and then we asked him if it wasn’t another case of “poor attachment?”  He then connected secure attachment as containing “trust and respect and that there was well-interest” in the child.  Our heart felt like sinking.  We knew we hadn’t grown up with all that, but now it was hitting us from a “feelings” level.  No one had taken “us to heart.”  We confirmed that this was related to both grounding and learning processes.

Dr. Marvin then reminded us of how school, particularly the older years of high school had been able to give us positive feedback through school athletics and academics.  We’d played volleyball, softball, and we were a cross-country skier that had gone on to State competition, and we’d been captain of a few of those sports.  Also, although, much earlier, we were being counseled for having such lousy grades (D’s & F’s), in high school, we graduated with a 3.87 grade point average.  Those were the things Dr. Marvin was keying into.  That in those later years, although the parents were still not helpful, our teachers had found a way to give us the feedback we needed to be successful.  We thrived on their encouragement.

And, in the meantime, Dr. Marvin did what he is good at … in that he didn’t let me swelter back in the earlier time where life was such a big mess.  This might be the true meaning of being pulled-up by one’s bootstraps.  He put us back to firm ground.

Dr. Marvin discussed trust building confident and that the thought, “I can” practiced along with feedback, would become a skill for us.  I hadn’t realized how important the “feedback” part was.  Dr. Marvin said it was a way that human beings learned.  WooHOO!  Heard the word that sends streamers and sparkle falling from the ceiling.  He knows how important the word, “learning” is to us.  EVEN when we forget.

We then were talking somehow (this comes in and out of reality as much as our morning dream that Rich was waking us up).  I think it was us who brought-up negative feedback.  We had heard through our grapevine of how “helpful” it was to have our Mother or father shouting things at us like “Witch!” and “Fat dog!”  Those are the two we remember most strongly.  Guessing that is what Dr. Marvin meant by negative feedback, that WASN’T helpful.  We had built up an identity – likely one of our parts, if not affecting many that felt strongly that we weren’t able to do well.

Dr. Marvin compared things to a computer analogy.  I think we asked him about how things would get fixed.  We often ask him what he is doing and why it takes so long to get better.  He said, “that our database (brain) had skills, but it also had bad data.”  Some of our data was corrupted, and that therapy gives corrective feedback, as well as a challenge to reframe information.

Again, we told Dr. Marvin that we were doubting our abilities and that we weren’t important to our mother, and we couldn’t figure out why Dr. Marvin had stayed with us all these years.  He said something like we were here, and we’d both agreed/decided to have this working relationship.  We had thought our “databank” had taken a hit, and Dr. Marvin agreed that these last thoughts of not feeling important were an example of what he was talking about.  The messages coming in concerning our mother, were corrupted.  We had to let them go and replace them with good strong messages like the kind Dr. Marvin gave.  Dr. Marvin said that it was tough for us now, because we were going through a lot of new hard stuff, but his feedback was that we were doing well.

Then he gave us an example of our quilting and how that had gone well after we built new skills.  Unfortunately, this was not a good analogy at the time, because we have strong feelings again of not knowing how to do things.  We said that the quilt backing that we had to do next had become another problem.  No one is volunteering to come out with the confidence that we know how to cut LARGE fabric, without ruining it.  That is one of the things we must do to finish the quilt.

He said something about the final product being an outcome, and then he said something about catalogues, and we hadn’t the faintest idea what he was talking about.  I searched our memory, but no one was contributing back any information of having done “catalogues successfully.”  So, information passed by us with us being confused again.  We skipped again.

We came back to Dr. Marvin with a steady question, “We have to have a little faith maybe?”  We were not as shaky though in that, we rarely ever use faith-based material in our sessions.  It was just an interim statement to get us from one place to another.

The next part in the conversation, I think came up in a difficult way.  We stopped to use the bathroom just now, and we did a few pokey things in the kitchen, pet Dakota, and came by with a pineapple yogurt, they are our favorite, and we had to reach back, because they were hiding and I didn’t know they were there.  It’s now 9:46AM, and Don the neighbor is mowing our grass, because Rich pays him to do it about this time every Friday.  The washer and dryer is still going, and I breathed a sigh of relief, in that we found ourselves still here, and it is STILL morning!  AND, household things are happening.  That’s ALWAYS a good sign!  WooHOO!

I think Dr. Marvin started again with saying something about it being ok to be unsure of the new process and the “low feelings” were also part of the process.  They were normal.  OK.  Let’s not get mixed up with the “normal” word.  Moving on…

He or I said, something about being “worthy.”  I know I was questioning it at the time.  I think I asked if Dr. Marvin believed in me or in our product.  He then paused before saying it, but said ultimately, he didn’t care about the product (end-result), because he was interested in the journey over time, and that again the process was more important than the outcome.  We were stammering because he had used a loaded statement and I knew he was warbling on it too, by saying that he didn’t care about our goal.  It was coming out more that, he was more appreciative that we’d created a goal.  BUT, I don’t think the “goal” word was being used.  Just what we’re reaching for now in trying to understand and explain.

We wanted to know if that meant the product (end) shouldn’t be important to us too.  He thought for a second and said something like, in general, the process should be equal to the outcome.

I took a little break to finish our yogurt and to calm ourselves down again.  We know that Dr. M is good and that above all he’s honest and kind.  Just had to get over a little mental bump.  The lawn mower is distractive.  It’s a riding one with a lot of noise, and when it comes close to the house – it just vibrates!  Not in a good way.  Calm down, calm down girls.  Let’s move on … I think there’s just a couple parts left.

I think we were back to the part where things seemed uncertain.  There was some talk on context, self-regulation and something about our sense of self, in being more aware.  WHOOPS!  Saved by the bell.  Dryer is ready to be switched over, and we need to fold some more clothes.  BRB.  HONEST!

@ 10:23AM We’re back, see!  We’ve had a few sunflower seeds, done the above, and our step counter is up to 1200 steps before noon.  YAY!  I don’t know if we have even gotten 1200 steps in either the two days before this.  Today, we feel stronger and more well-rested.

So, back to Dr. Marvin.  This stuff is hard for us to do.  I’m feeling grateful for the last couple of months as to writing down ANYTHING about the sessions.  Most years, we came nowhere near a tablet and pen.  We’d try so hard, and sometimes we could remember and most times things were achingly too distant for us to reach, or one part or another had considered their time with Dr. Marvin private, so did not share to the general group of us.  That is hard to do.  It hurts us mentally, trying to piece things together and getting not much to go on … sometimes only stray feelings.

SO, the next part

I think we’d been talking about feedback again, but it might have left us with lonely feelings, thinking of people in our present, who don’t do so much, or in the way that we as a writer could feel.  We do get feedback from Rich, but usually it says things like – “I see you did the wash today,” or “thanks for getting those dishes done.”  Seriously, it is like that a LOT!  It’s even worse for the kids.  They are like in and out of my life once or twice every month or two.  It’s broad.  There is no regular feedback there, except maybe around holidays.  No one, really needs us for much.  I listen carefully as to what they are up to when I see or hear from them.  That’s the best feedback loop ever!  Most often, they are doing great!  But, during times they are not … we hear that too.

I don’t have friends or other family that understand much of our experience, and we’ve pushed away, because we feel terrible to pretend we’re somewhere we’re not.  Sure, I can compare washing loads next to anyone, but it’s not where my heart is.  Wish others AND Rich knew this.  Maybe they do?  Don’t know.  Just have been feeling lonely, which is why Dr. Marvin started talking about my work finding someday a peer group, which would appreciate me for being who we are, and for what we do – as to our thinking and writing.  He thinks we will find peers on the Internet eventually.  He says, that most people our age – different ages really, they don’t get support from their family, as they do their peers as their “ideal group of individuals.”

I think, we must have come back to Dr. Marvin about the comment he made about not caring about our outcomes.  It was like for us, if Dr. Marvin doesn’t care, who would?  He is the only one that understands the things that are most important to us.  This is not to say, Rich doesn’t understand me, but he only understands parts of me that do things with him like drive places, or eat with him, or wash his clothes.  He’s interested in what we think or do, but he doesn’t understand.  He usually doesn’t say things like, “Oh are you going to work on that self-regulation outline?”  He’s much more likely to say, “Oh you are going to be on the computer?”

If we complain, Rich asks, do you want to hear the problems we had loading product today?  We sadly shake our head.  No, you just go ahead, we’ll be over here … on the computer.

I’m sure this is normal for couples, but really does push the point of finding peers. For us, they are far and few between.  I do though appreciate quilting with a few friends, and I’m by no means making light of that experience.  It occurs 6-7 times a year for a full day!  YAY!

We must have slipped back into the comment with Dr. Marvin, where he had said he didn’t care about our product.  It really felt harsh.  Think it’s going to hang on us a while.  I thought Dr. Marvin cared about everything.  He said, that it wasn’t his place to judge outcome for us, and then he emphasized, it wasn’t up to him to judge merit.  I thought, maybe we are going somewhere out of Dr. Marvin’s interest?  Or was this something of a boundary between psychiatrist and patient – as cold as those words, sometime feel to us.

Long ago, my father had said, the only friends you are going to have is the kind, you must pay for.  I think without knowing, he knew the strongest relationship, I would have been with our psychiatrists.  He had other statements like, you know the thing about you that is wrong, is that you try to think.  I’m the father, and it’s up to be to do the thinking.  Want one more doozy? He said, why by the cow, when you get the milk for free.  That one was said in relationship to Rich not marrying us, because he gets us “in a wife-role,” without that final commitment.  It’s always been hurtful for us.  I would have to guess my father knew how a statement like that was going to land.  I don’t talk about him very often, but he’s coming to mind now.

Talking to Dr. Marvin, the story that had come-up was my father sitting in the bar, with my cousin Deb and us.  We were both seniors, and my father was drunk, at least drunk enough.  We had been out snowmobiling at my uncle’s place in WI.  I had known that Deb was going to college because her family was sending her.  And, it must have come-up, because my father in front of both us and my cousin told me, that he wasn’t going to be able to pay a penny for me to go to school.  He said, he was too poor, and that fortunately, that meant that the government would give us loans to go to school.  It was an incredible let down.

Somehow, my brother had gone to college.  And, this next year it was supposed to be my time.  All our life, I had heard, my parents hadn’t gone to college, but that we as their kids would go.  At that time, he did say something that would help.  He said from that point on, that whatever I chose to do, I would never be told by him what that was.  So, things like he would never ask to see a report card, or he would never say anything about the courses, we chose.

At the time, it felt not completely bad.  I liked the part of being able to start on our own journey.  I hadn’t caught yet the part, where my father was saying, goodbye.  As, I did everything for you I could.  The rest is up to you.  Scary, strange, terrifying, plus some good stuff.  FINALLY, I was going to get out … I wasn’t going to have to ever live in our house again.  It had been terrible for thousands of reasons.

Ok, we’re into this as little more than we had been with Dr. Marvin, so I can tell it’s still playing a number on us.  We did tell Dr. Marvin, that when we got to the school, we chose, and it had chosen us, we sat on our dorm bed, and canceled all the accounting classes that we’d been scheduled to take.  We started in Human Development, and when that program was no longer available, we jumped into psychology.  At that point, going back to school, we no longer had to chase lab rats.

As to my father, it was like don’t let the door hit you on your way out.  It’s been us that has gotten us this far.  Dr. Marvin, in a few words, just said, that wasn’t the way he worked, nor it wasn’t the way our relationship worked.  That was the development of our last part, Jesse.  She was free, and we’ve been free, at least through her aim and ambition.

Shortly, then Dr. Marvin was going to have to go, but he reminded us, that we should be taking breaks to build our confidence.  He said to do the things we were good at – even laundry and dishes because it would balance out the things that were more uncertain.  One last thing.  He reminded us to do things for us, and not for Rich.

We’re going to need taking this all in somehow or another, but it is 11AM now – well, five minutes after.  We’ve agreed with the parts that don’t write in blogs, that I’ll share the time.  So, OK, we do this with Dr. Marvin, all the time.  Maybe we can just put a little closer on this?  We don’t want to go out the door thinking of this hard space we’ve been in.  We did good going there, we need to learn something from it, and move on.  My father and mother are both dead now.  My father has passed months before us writing our first blog entry in 2003.  Matter of fact, we started writing to get past the hole that relationship had left in our heart.  Maybe not for my Father as much, as for the Father, we had never had.

Maybe I’m just feeling a little crabby now.  Don’t want to do him any favors.  Maybe, then we can do something positive?  Like looking back over the last 18 pages.  No matter what he did to us, or forgot to do for us, we’re still here, and we’re a writer.  Yay, for us!


HEY!  We found our mind maps!  They WEREN’T erased 🙂

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