Tuesday, August 01, 2017 @ 10:09AM

Boys 08-02-17

Good morning.  This is us.  We’re in kind of a wobbly morning.  It’s already after 10AM, before we attempt to do anything that “shows-up” as we had an active life.  I’m thinking we didn’t get a good night’s sleep.  The temperature was wonderful, but after we got up a couple times for the washroom, we fell back to sleep without the mask for the C-Pap machine.  I’m thinking that was a mistake.  Then It was just after 4AM – so like we’ve been up four six hours?  AND, not a thing to call “done.”  Yeeks!  That’s not a great morning.

Facebook took a great part of that time.  We brushed an old friend in saying hi, but we were both in different spaces.  Otherwise, it was like old times of just seeing story after story through the newsfeed and not wanting to stop, because we were getting to know what people were doing again.  I think that is a good thing, but should be limited, so that other things can happen too.  It’s important that we all live a life of “doing something,” so we have something to talk about.  Right?  If we sit just looking at others’ lives, I think we lose a sense of groundedness.  That’s pretty much all the “philosophizing” we’re going to do.

I’m sure that we’re not being so overread that someone is losing out in their own time hehe.  Be careful out there!

Ahh, first smiles since we saw that video of the dogs playing for the first time in the snow.  Ok, one more video.  We saw a couple Dads on Ellen who had adopted four children.  And, their side project goal was to make bags for homeless kids, so that when they came out of the adoption home, they wouldn’t have to leave with all their stuff in a plastic garbage bag.  Ok, that kind of project makes sense to us, so we reposted.  Just some really nice things happening out there, and they should be heard too.

Maybe we’re being nostalgic.  We went back to check something, and we found in one of our “See your memories” things on Facebook where they bring back some of your old pictures, well when we went back they were showing us a six-year picture that was really taken nine years ago.  It was a picture of the three boys, before Thom left for boot camp.  It was so amazing that they even let me take a picture.  We’ve always been tremendously proud of the boys, so seeing this picture again has left me in a pile of soft “Mama-feelings.”

We’re going to have to move past this moment, but holding it just so around the frilly edges, we’ve put around it … well … we ARE a MOM!  *sigh* But, then they grow up … And, then there is suddenly, they are big sturdy MAN people W/FAMILIES! … holy crap, when did all that happen?  It’s ok, We’re ok.  Nice work to them though!  Nice living of life on YOUR terms!  Just love them to pieces.

Ok, we’re not yet past these soft mushy feelings.  SERIOUSLY GIRLS!??

One of our next thoughts, I guess, is that we are playing hooky from Dr. Marvin’s today.  I think having guests is tiring, and again, poor sleep, and just randomness … Not much to say for all that.  YES, we’re playing hooky.  We wrote Dr. Marvin a note this morning saying we wouldn’t be coming in.  I know what he’s going to say … well, maybe he won’t say it, and we’ve learned enough not to put assumptions on him, but he’s going to say somehow that some of the material we are dealing with is heavy and that I’m showing signs of wanting to slow it down.

On my birthday, two-weeks ago, I had set up good times with the family, and we still had good times, but an email brought us WAY back to almost twenty years previous.  It shouldn’t be a big deal, and we’re trying to take care of our emotions with Dr. Marvin, but it is a little harder than one would like to imagine.  It’s leaving a deep, dark thump in our chest.  The email was from a Christian Brother, who we have loved very much, but he sexually assaulted me before I left school and came back to the Chicago area.  I don’t know if he meant to … maybe it’s just one of those things that happen … and everyone wishes there could be a do-over and that it never had happened.

I think because of where we were in life, it was more problematic, than … well, I don’t know how to compare it to anything, or anyone.  Just it was very problematic.  At the time, we ended up suicidal at Mayo Clinic where they gave us six-shock treatments, until we were at the point, we didn’t even know we owned new kitties, could remember where we lived, or that we had checks or dishes.  It was just such a frightening thing to have happened and it has left an impression all these years.  All that come back through “triggers” like the very simple wish he sent us to have a happy birthday.

I feel lousy about this because we were there too, and so figuring we hold part of the blame.  I’m thinking though in my Dr. Marvin voice, he’s going to still say something like, it wasn’t your fault, and it shouldn’t have happened.  My body hurts just to think of it.  I wish the feeling of pain would go away.  He was exposed and asked us to touch him, he did not touch us.  I haven’t been able to get this far yet.  I don’t mean to make it seem like it was a horrible, long drawn out thing.  It just took place in an instant of time.  I don’t mean to trivialize it either.  It just is what it was.

I don’t want to keep repeating things, because I think we’re feeling sorry for ourselves.  But, it happened the year after we lost the boys, our house, our job, Dr. Woollcott, and our dog.  I wonder how many times, we’ve thought of the loss of ’97 with those same words.  Oh, and we went bankrupt.  We have to add that.  And, we had to live in a homeless shelter for a couple of months, before we moved, and moved, and moved from one government shelter to the next.  On the strong point, we were still surviving and was in the community we were because we were determined if nothing else, we were going to finish our degree so we could get a job.  I’d started out with human development, but exactly twenty-years later, when we’d come back … that major was no longer available and we slipped easily over to a psych degree.

BUT, nothing was easy … we’d gone into psych wards before … everyone knew that … we were fragile.  But, still this thing happened.  And, it blew us away in no way we’ve ever felt it.  When the situation started to fall apart with my ex, we held it partially due to our mental state, but also his poor character.  But, BJ … we met him twenty-years prior and had always held him high, just high with the highest respect and regard.  He was as close to a human idol as they came.  We didn’t expect what had happened, though we know it affected mostly younger parts.  We were all affected because of the loss of friendship – with one of our greatest friends.

Last Thursday … I don’t think we’ve written about this yet.  Five-minutes was various things with Dr. Marvin, fifteen-minutes were about our self-regulation/dissociation project, and the other forty-minutes were about BJ and what had happened to us directly after the event.  There was only one.

We talked to Dr. Marvin about having been sexually abused by our grandfather, and then abused by parents, abused in early childhood sexual events, by our ex-husband, and then even the few years in trying to work in an outside world with males.  What happened with BJ seemed to be the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I had to relearn that I had three growing sons.  Shock treatments … brrrr.

That’s is the other kind of stuff that we talked about though.  I found we could still order records from Mayo Clinic.  They came in time for last week’s Thursday session, but we found there was no record of our admission, or daily notes from the attending physician/psychiatrist.  So, we signed a release paper, and requested more.  This morning, we opened a note from Dr. Marvin.  We’d asked that he email us to let us know when the records had gotten in each time.  This morning there was an email in our box from Dr. Marvin … he stated …

Hi Ann,

I wanted to let you know that the other set of records came in today. 51 pages in total. We can look through them tomorrow if you’d like.  Take care.

v-Dr. M

We’ve felt more than goofy since that.  It wasn’t Dr. Marvin’s fault.  We’d asked him to let us know about the records.  But, that there were SO many records left outstanding?  We had thought getting like thirty records was a lot, but this is more!  A lot more.  We hadn’t finished reading the last set.  I’m pretty sure, we won’t get through this next set.  I know psychologically, we are slowing things up by not going in.  We’re trying to recuperate between things.  Sometimes, you must put everything aside to just enjoy life.  Enjoying life is how a person recuperates.

It is the part that says, I LOVE my time with family!  We’ve seen a lot of family in this last month.  We saw two of my kids, two grandchildren and three of Rich’s family, and then next weekend, we will have another quilting weekend with the five women, we quilt with.

THIS weekend though … just wanted to remind you that Rich and us are heading toward St. Louis with Austin to shake-out some fun!  We have just one overnight, and we got a room/suite.  And, then we got reservations at a dinner show that appears to be a western “who-done-it.”  And, THEN if we can handle one more thing, Austin has indicated an interest in going to a city museum that from the web site, seems terrific.  It might be too much for me though.  We’ll wait and see.  It will be a lot of noise … there’s a TON to touch and feel and see.  It would be great though if we could go.

He might want to look at a college when we’re there, and he’s interested in eating at Dave and Buster’s hehe … it’s going to be a great weekend.  I think it’s about a four-hour drive from here.  We’ll see when we get in the car 😉

Soon, we are going to need recalling where everything is?

AHA!  We did it!  We just sent Austin a text.  It says, “Hi Austin!  Hope your still looking for more vacation time.  I would like you to let your mom know, you will be at our house Friday night and you will be staying in the same room suite with us at the” …. And here we gave hotel, number, phone, etc. And, then we said, “Give us an idea if you have any special times coming and going you would like to meet.  I’ll have to check with Rich, but the plan starts with you!”  Then we also gave him the information about the cool dinner theatre we’ll be going to for dinner and a western murder mystery!  AND, we asked him to call if there were any questions.

I know that not only Austin’s Mom would be interested in the details, but also Austin.  He likes to pay attention to things like this … I LOVE HIM!

This is going to be soooo exciting.  I don’t think Austin has driven in a car to somewhere this far – which is only about four hours.  Rich drives all over the place and to multiple states for his fishing tournaments each month.  And, we follow him along as much as we can – well, not fishing, but on trips.  We’ve gone north to MN, east to NC, south to NM and TX, AND west to San Diego, CA with Rich.  I LOVE to travel.

We’re thinking that we’ll leave early Saturday though, so Austin might sleep a good part first thing.  I will be in the backseat trying to keep Dakota calm.  We don’t want upsets if we can avoid it.  This is going to soooo Cool!  I would vote AUSTIN!  If there were a contest, and we could only choose one person to be locked in an elevator with.  He has the most awesome communication abilities.  OK.  We’re rambling again, right?  It’s ok.  😊  LOVE our kids, DIL’s  AND Grandchildren!

AHA!  Now, we just sent a short note to his Mom and Mike.  We let them know we’d take any special concern messages, but that Austin had the rest of the information.  They have been SOOOO great in letting us get to know this grandson.  I’m afraid Thom isn’t involved, much with family, BUT, we still get to see our grandchild!  Just heaven-sent these folks.  Again, Austin is INCREDIBLE!

@ 12:38PM We’re in an oh-oh stage now.  We generally surprise our money accounts – FREQUENTLY enough, and we spotted a problem.  Our Investment is good, we almost made-up the money we “lost” when we transferred some to our savings account.  Well, the money is not there so it’s not a REAL loss – though a couple hundred was spent, so the good news is that we had money in three places and they are all good EXCEPT, some sleaze-balls from Dave Ramsey took out an unrequested amount of $99 for a super cheap online money tool, named everydollar.  I tried it, but it must have been one of those deals where you can have it for 90 days, but after that we’re going to charge you.  It’s been quite a while since not being involved with that, so it hit me like a bunch of rocks!  BLAH!

So, then the next thing is, that I called their number, and all they have is a machine who takes messages.  If you’re a plus member, they MAY OR MAY NOT call you back, but if you’re not a plus member – you may or may not only get an email.  We were angry and want a call!  This is the first place not even giving us an option to wait around a half a day waiting for someone to pick-up the phone.  After the message then you were cut-off.  This might be a hard one.  We’re going to hope it’s only a process.  Most people don’t charge if you explain, you had no intention of buying their product.

Unfortunately, that’s about all I can handle.  We spotted, which is good.  Now, we have to fix it.  AND, we’re going to need telling Rich about it.  I don’t want to be WAY frustrated right now … because we’re within ten minutes of Dr. Marvin calling.

I think that is a point we were trying to avoid at the beginning of this note, AND we’re only six pages (2579 words) in.  We’ve made minimal progress.  It’s now 12:53PM.  He calls at 1PM.  I think this is going to be one of those days, we sit on the couch, instead of the computer.  All he would gain from reading this note is that we’re in a generally confused state.  Writing to Austin about the details of the trip were the only real productive task completed of the day.  Shoot, hate that when it happens.  Well, at least that was the MOST important time.  I want to give him a chance to think through it and double-check everything is ok.  I wanted to wait for his other vacation with family was over, I saw the pictures to KNOW it was was a great time.

I see that Laura got the message, but Mike hasn’t seen it … we’ll obviously give them a chance to discuss, and one if not both will respond, AS will most likely Austin.  Ok, that’s all good.

The next day @ 9:02AM We lost the part that got written after this.  There wasn’t much, but we’ll pick things up on the next blog entry.  See you there!

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OH, and they are officially not sleaze balls.  They wrote an email back AND they’ve already given us back the money SCORE!!!  Thank you for that!

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