07-21-17 These last few days an Uproar

Dr. Marvin Linked in 1-25-16.jpg

Friday, July 21, 2017 @ 7:14AM

Good morning.  We’re going to try this again.  I’m having trouble getting out all that needs to be written about … starting back with our birthday.  I’m not promising better today, because we have other things going on, but we’re going to try again.

This morning about 10AM, we’re hoping to see our oldest son.  He is going to be stopping here before we go to our Dr.’s appointment.  I think we wrote this before, but Maury should be between 10AM – 1PM, and then drive 1PM – 2PM, and then appointment with podiatrist 2-3PM, and then drive home 3-4PM.  That’s our schedule.  I don’t think Rich will be back before me, but thinking we’ll be too tired, to be writing.  Generally, we don’t write at night.

SOOO, besides shower, we’re here.  This morning we talked to Rich about 45-minutes after waking up.  We did have back problems again, so we’ve decided to tell our Dr. that unless he can prove otherwise, the spine injections aren’t working.  He needs to try the ablation (burning), or try something different.  One Aleve earlier than normal helped.

@ 7:54AM … We don’t have our head gathered, but it’s now about 30-40 minutes later.  Rich has left and that was growly, AND we got the dishes done, and ALL the garbage kitty litter dumped.  And, we’re just taking a break before we jump in the shower.  We were going to do that earlier to get us to a place, we could just relax ALL the time before waiting on Maury to get here.

The Rich part was that he was running late, and he couldn’t find his dry cleaners tags.  He said they were right here on the table, and then we said, they’d be on the side counter, because he told us to clean OFF the table so we could have dinner with Austin, and now he was yelling about us moving his stuff, etc.   He connected with parts who were triggered by our ex’ yelling and we were near tears again, and then just closed down.  Then he came over and wanted a kiss, but we couldn’t move, so then he left.  He said he loved us (like he normally does), but we couldn’t answer him back.

After he left there was a few moments, and then we got ourselves to doing the dishes.  After that, we could call him back and tell him we love him, and that we wanted him to drive safe.  That’s what we ALWAYS do/say.  Then, he reminded us that we threw an “ex-statement” at him, and we remembered saying he was “like our ex” meaning he would not control his emotions, and then set-us-up for an emotional overload.  We didn’t remember that all now, but we did remember telling him he was like our ex, and that is ALWAYS against the rules, because we don’t like it when HE says, we’re like HIS ex.  So, we apologized twice, and we reminded him we loved him and to drive safe.

Then, when we got off the phone, we threw out the “actual TANGIBLE” garbage, and then is now and we feel better, but wish we would have escaped all that negativity first thing in the morning.  It’s a VERY bad deal – no matter which way its cut.

So, now we’re going to finish eating our breakfast, cottage cheese, and then we’re going to calmly take our shower.  So, you might get a few words squeezed out of us next, because we’re slow eaters.  Usually it’s one bite up, and then we rest while typing.  It’s a good speed, though it’s not Dakota’s favorite.  He likes to lick the bowl faster than all that, BUT, he still lays down patiently MOST of the time.  Hmm.  You got the Capital typist.  OK, in this case – I’m pretty sure, I’m the only one that does it, but in the system, I’m Anniemi.  I confess.

I’m usually the one that gets real upset about being yelled at.  But, at that, I’d like to cut-out.  Can someone PLEASE come and relieve me?

Hmm, maybe ten minutes, and then we’ll take a shower.  For sure, someone will come by then.  Maybe, we can check our emails.

@ 8:44AM Back.  We’re done with our shower and we’re dressed and the dog is out, and we have a cold drink.  AN if Maury were on time, he’d be here in 1 hour and 15 minutes.  We checked the phone and there are no calls, no texts, and no messages.  SO, we should be pretty good.  The house is picked-up AND the garbage’s are out – bathrooms checked.  Good, good … just should calm-down now, right?

Better check my medicine too.  Hold on.  Yup-yup … that was already in our purse, but we put our purse out on the table.  Don’t want to forget that.  It has our driver’s license AN it has our insurance cards.  Sometimes, they ask.

OH MY!  We’re only up to page TWO?!!  Shoot, thought we’d gotten further.  Maybe while, we have some time, we should be pulling some stuff together.  We need to track things down, because we’re starting to scatter.  We’ve got notes in two-three sections of the capture journal, and just mere pages left there, so we’re afraid to use it anymore … we must do somethings, but the writing parts will have to shift over to the Word – and then from the Word documents to the two blogs.  Again, we’re posting the same to both.  Just haven’t cut the cord yet to the old blog.  Too much happening yet to talk to Dr. Marvin about it.  We won’t decide, until then.  We HAVE been on blogger for the last twelve years, so the decision is significant to us.

Ok, so better check firmly – how many sections in the capture journal need to be pictured (from capture journal), and then saved to JPG, and then placed in our writing?

7-20-17 (today is the 21rst), we have notes from Dr. Marvin

… “… notes from Amie (probably not post them)

… “… notes prior to Dr. Marvin’s appointment

… “… notes for medical records (probably not post them)

… “…Summary of conversation between Rich and Us (probably not post them)

7-19-17 … notes on police conversation (probably not post them)

Records before that – pre-birthday … that’s where this back-up of records start

THEN, there are a FEW – I think just three documents in Words …

07-18-17 – morning of birthday

07-19-17 NOTHING written in Word

07-20-17 – after birthday

07-21-17 (this one)

Just checked … there was nothing written in Word on the 19th, and the only thing written in Capture on the 19th, was that we checked our finances/credit and talked to the police.  We DID talk to Dr. Marvin at 9:30AM, while Austin was sleeping, but that meeting was pretty much in tears, and there weren’t any notes made directly.  After, Austin woke-up, we talked a little about this, but pretty much stayed on his agenda the rest of the time (as scheduled).

I think, I must study this now, and figure out what to do about it all.  And, make sure we understand the sequence.  Everything is part and partial.  Should it all go to one document – in order?  I’m thinking yes to that.  The documents are short, and I want to get this part over, so we can get back to regularly scheduled posting of entries.

07-18-17 Word – short note morning of birthday – excited

        ”     BJ’s email – Problem

      “     our email to Dr. Marvin … Dr. Marvin,

07-19-17 (no notes taken) 9:30AM Dr. M. phone appt – emergency appt/suicidal

        ”      Capture – just a note, we didn’t get anywhere, but we called the police

07-20-17 Word – short note trying to get back to birthday situation

        ”      Capture – Rich and I had a flash argument (pre-shower), then talked things out (post-shower) – calm

        ”      (no notes taken) Rich left for work (short-while), and we had wonderful Austin-time (blocked other)

        ”      Capture – after Rich and Austin left – wrote summary of Rich and us

        ”      Capture – took notes called two hospitals (local and Mayo) for medical records

        ”      Capture –  Wrote a PRE-note to Dr. Marvin scheduled 2PM appt (phone)

        ”      Capture – notes of the appointment w/ Dr. Marvin

        ”      Capture – Notes from Dr. Dorman and Amie – the nurse

07-21-17 Word – still trying to put things together – prepare for Maury

Nothing has happened more, or less than this, but this was the chain of events that happened after we received BJ’s note.  The problem arises is that we have parts that “love him very much,” and then we have parts who are deathly afraid of him, and, we have parts dealing now with the sudden burst of suicidal ideation (handling it through Dr. Marvin).  And, we have parts like us … just trying to figure out the whole ticking time-bomb, from ONE single incident that happened 19 years ago.  Basically, the note triggered a flashback, that we’ve been dealing with it now for the last three days.

OK, grounding ourselves here.  We’re going to stop and review what we’ve done so far, up to here … I just checked our messages and so we don’t know if Maury is still coming, is on track, or is just getting out of bed.  I suppose we could call him?

@ 11:25 AM Back again.  Must look-up to catch what’s happening.  Think we were working on getting down our notes.  We might be able to do that now, at least, we have 1 ½ hours to do the work.  Just the smallest of catch-ups … news is breaking in that Sean Spicer just resigned.  There’s a lot more there, but we won’t go into it.  That was a receding star for a bit.  Other news, was that when we called Maury at 10AM, he let us know that he was just getting out of bed, and that it had been a long night.  We agreed with him, that it was a good idea for him to still come out.  He said, he would leave there about 2:30PM WITH the dogs to avoid traffic, and he might get here a few moments before we get home YAY!!!!  We’ll leave the door open for him.  AND, it looks like he will most likely stay the night. A DOUBLE YAY!!!!!!

So, we’re MUCH happier with this new arrangement.  We also called Rich to update him on the news.  He had planned to bring home fried chicken from Walmart.  We objected because the meat is usually overcooked, but the bottom line is that it is up to Rich.  We have registered our complaint.  We don’t want Maury eating undervalued chicken!

Ok, letting that point go.  The other things?  We’ve eaten an early lunch – there was one more hamburger left from Wednesday, and we had ice cream again.  Yes, this has been a problem, but there is one more serving.  It will probably ALSO be eaten by us, unless Maury sees it – though probably won’t want it.  AND, as a result from that 10AM call, we HAVE put the guest bedding in the wash.  It’s in the dryer now.  I’m thinking, we MIGHT be able to get it back on the bed before going … it just depends how long it is going to take in the dryer.  There were some towels and placemats, etc. in the wash too, so don’t know the timing.  Hopefully, though, we’ll be able to make the bed, because I think Maury will be tired, and if he gets here before us, he may want to lay down.

I LOVE seeing my kids and Grandchildren!  AND, the families’ dogs!  Dakota is going to be soooo crazy excited, if he came home and found Lady and Max, his cousins here.  Hmm, better think for a second.  Is there anything we should put up?  I think Dakota is willing to share his things with the other goldens.  Hmm, better shut the gate for the kitty food.  We get lax there, because most often Dakota doesn’t bother with it.  Hold on.

AHA!  Back 11:43PM.  We blocked the kitty food, but also put away the dishes we washed earlier in the morning, and we put the last few dishes in and wiped down the counters one more time.  I want our place to be welcoming to Maury.

SOOO, back to the entry.  We’re at page six (812 words).  Not too far, but think we’re Ready to go on.

Ok … let’s get things in order as to listed above.  We’re going to make inserts here, which means getting our camera and taking a few pictures of the capture notes.  Better get the phone.

Here we go … we’ll leave in front of each section the heading listed in our outline above.  So …

07-18-17 Word – short note morning of birthday – excited

Tuesday, July 18, 2017 @ 8:39AM

Good morning, AND Happy Birthday to Us!  Ok, that just can’t be said enough.  We aren’t embarrassed by the fact we LOVE our birthday.  Getting old seems to be a rite of passage and each year we succeed, we’re just enamored!  So, happy birthday to ALL of us inside!

We are getting a very late start.  I think we’ve been up for about 2 ½ hours, but it’s taken this long to calm down.  Rich made us special omelets and sang Happy Birthday to us, AND Dakota got an extra treat with his breakfast. And, we couldn’t begin to tell you how many following Happy Birthday, umm, “type-songs” were sang.  Even Alexa sang happy birthday to us.

I just think it’s an incredible thing to have been born.  EVERYONE should know that about his or her own birth.  AND, on your special day – don’t let ANY one take that away from you.  Ok, there will always be one, or so, who does it subtly, but we’re going to pretend that doesn’t sting a smudge.  *sigh* Life, you know?  Probably, we don’t deserve much better.  OK, that’s enough of that!  Girls – it’s a GREAT day!  Being born is a WONDERFUL idea!

Mostly, what we’ve been doing OTHER than singing to Rich and Dakota is going back and forth receiving very nice messages from our friends and family through Facebook.  Yesterday, we were willing to doubt that ANY one knew us anymore, but today … People are STILL saying Happy Birthday.  Reading the Facebook messages must be one of our FAVORITE things to do on our birthday!  It gives you a chance to connect to so many people who have crossed your life.  Everyone brings a memory, or two or more hehe.

This year, we’ve done it different so far, and we’ve commented back on each as we’ve pretty much gotten it.  There are SOME other things that should get done.  We always try to say at least thank you.  😊. I was thinking, I would miss that part in the day where we used to read the messages at the end of the day, which was terrifically special.  We’re thinking today, we might do it this way … in responding through the day, and then look ONE more last time at the end of the day and leave a like.  People don’t really read their older messages, much past the birthday, but it’s just Hard to let it go ON your birthday.

Ok, shhh … calm down, calm down.  I should probably jump in the shower quick … there are OTHER things happening today.  Not sure what to wear.  I could go with regular, or we could put on our specialist white shirt.  That might be too much, especially for eating out something messy, but it is my favorite shirt!  HMM, then if I wore that … would I wear the white capris too?!  And, then would I wear the jean-type capris that are white, or the soft ones?  Not sure.  We’re going to have to get over this question.  I can’t imagine we’d try on both?  Hey ladies, where are we at on this one.  Or, we COULD go with the BLACK capris?  Oh Lord!  THINKING though – we’re pretty much favoring the white fancy shirt 😊

Thinking we need to step away from Facebook to get things accomplished!  There’s so MANY people that I remember from such different parts of our life.  Life is amazing that way – AND, especially through something like facebook keeping us together.  OK, not going to do a LOT of facebook yet, BUT, today is special!

@ 10:04AM The morning is progressing!  We’re out of the shower and dressed.  We decided to go with the white on white – Fancy, soft shirt and the soft capris.  I think it’s going to get high 80’s today, MAYBE out in sandwich and chance of thunderstorms.  Better remember to shut the sunroom windows.  Rich is in the shower now.  I don’t think we got a spectacular grade on our outfit.  We asked him why and he said he wasn’t used to seeing me in same-same colors as white on white.  He said we needed some sun.  *Sigh* Nothing to do about that now.  It will be better when our hair dries.  Better stop this right away, or we’ll worry about it.

Then, I saw the second part of that concern.  He’s worrying about my tendencies to spill something at least once.  I had considered that too.  Maybe NOT the deep-dish vegetable pizza.  AND, for the sake of record, when we got the Jell-O out a few moments ago … we covered our chest with a hand towel.  No reason to take a chance.  I wonder how good the napkins are going to be at the pizza place.  I don’t know if we’d be the first guest to walk in with a hand towel hehe.

We’ve got about a half hour.  I still must do our medicine

LATER THAT EVENING after Austin and us got home from our birthday party with Rich, Austin (grandson), Joe (son), Cari (DIL), and Alex (grandson).  Austin was staying over a few nights.

        ”     BJ’s email – Problem

Hi Ann and happy birthday.  Hope you are fine.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers at Mass every day.

Hope you have a GREAT day with the boys.

BJ

      “     our email to Dr. Marvin … Dr. Marvin,

We just got home from Birthday dinner, and everything was wonderful.  Rich and Austin talked all the way home, while we napped.  When I got home, I opened this email.  It’s from BJ … I don’t know what to say.  I’ve had no relations with him.  He’s letting me know he’s probably following me on the blog.  That’s what we’re thinking.  I don’t know what to say.  Rich is still talking to Austin, so I haven’t told him yet.  As soon as I get a moment I will tell him.  I don’t know what to think … I don’t know what to do.  Please respond to me.  Please?

Us  Everything feels dangerous again … I know he’s not here, but every day he’s thinking of me … and following me?  … I should have been thinking he could access me.  I’m out there.  I don’t know what to say or think …

us

07-19-17 (no notes taken) 9:30AM Dr. M. phone appt – emergency appt/suicidal

        ”      Capture – just a note, we didn’t get anywhere, but we called the police – checked a few things out

07-20-17 Word – short note trying to get back to birthday situation

Thursday, July 20, 2017 @ 8:03AM

Good morning.  This is me.  I’m not sure if this note is going to make it out today.  It might just be for Dr. Marvin.  This is just how we start notes though.  Hmm, I suppose another way would be,

Dear Dr. Marvin,

This is me.  We’ve been up and down – mostly up for the last four hours, and we’ve made no progress.  To make things worse, we’ve just finished a big rain out here in Sandwich – it should be coming in to you, but the point is … is that we don’t have Internet again.  Most the time, even when we did have Internet, we spend rocking back and forth wondering what to do, not being able to put our thoughts together.  We wanted to write, but we couldn’t.  Since it was about 4AM then, you could say we were tired, we were.  BUT, that almost never stops us.  Writing is important to us in the morning, and on our best mornings, that is what we’re doing.

I’m finding a hard time writing between my normal blog entry and Dr. Marvin.  I’m not sure which is going to read out here.  So, maybe what we’ll do is try something new.  We’ll just write to us within our system, and then see what happens next.  I know the copy will go to Dr. Marvin, I’m not sure, about writing for the blog.  That’s our preference, but there are limitations today.  It will make more sense in a few moments.

Ok, maybe it will be better if we start from the top.  That usually helps.  The first thing, is that we in the middle of our birthday somewhere.  It was two days ago, on the 18th.

We had had a good morning.  We were writing some, but mostly responding to birthday messages on Facebook.  To progress that part – about 114 people – 115 hehe, our Grandson, Austin said, he didn’t have a Facebook account to wish us happy birthday.  LOVE THIS KID TO PIECES!  We hadn’t posted the message that we’d written for the blog in the blogs yet.  It seems to have gotten frozen in time.

The next part was that we went to Dr. Marvin’s.  I think on the way there, we were going through mostly our news channels on Twitter.  We’re like connected to about 100 of them both on one side, and then the other.  We like to have both perspectives, and we were reading Tweets to Rich, as he was driving.  It was mindless … just progressing the day and it focused us on something other than our birthday.

We had taken care of Rich’s deposit slips, and so when we got to Brookfield about an hour from home, the next thing was to deposit them at the bank.  That only took a few moments, and then we thought we needed to get a handle on what we were going to be eating with the birthday day party after Dr. M’s appointment.

It was a struggle that took the entire 30 minutes into the city of Chicago.  We had decided earlier, we were going to a nice pizza place called, Giordano’s, so the hard part was coming up with a plan that wouldn’t bust our diet too bad.  Through some squabbling and near-tears with Rich (oh sure, and then he orders a large pizza to split with Joe!), but we settled comfortably on a small salad, a small 6” deep dish pizza, and then indulge in a 3-layer chocolate cake.  That all was a good idea – we got some, but didn’t go WAY over for a birthday – though celebrating the birthday too!

We talked to Dr. Marvin about our choices when we met with him, and then we talked about other stuff, not sure what it was for the moment.  Maybe if we can think hard.  Hold on, let’s see what they will give me.  First thought … I’m sure we talked about the party, Austin, Joe’s family, Maury, his dogs etc., thinking OHHH, I remember that we spotted as we were talking – though had NOT recalled seeing it before, but we saw his copy of Dell – Dissociative, etc. on his shelf RIGHT BEHIND his left ear!  So, we asked to see his copy … IT WAS HUGE!  We have the same book, but it is a Kindle book.  Doesn’t feel heavy at all.

When we were going over that part of our discussion, we remember how heavy the book was and that we had had to shift it from one side to the other, and then eventually, lay it down on the couch.  We knew what we were looking for in chapter 44, and didn’t try in chapter 46, because that was a longer read to find – without the same kind of sub-headings to help us locate what we were thinking of.

    07-20-17 Capture – Rich and I had a flash argument (pre-shower), then talked things out (post-shower) – calm

        ”      (no notes taken) Rich left for work (short-while), and we had wonderful Austin-time (blocked other)

        ”      Capture – after Rich and Austin left – wrote summary of Rich and us for Dr. Marvin

        ”      Capture – took notes called two hospitals (local and Mayo) for medical records

        ”      Capture –  Wrote a PRE-note to Dr. Marvin scheduled 2PM appt (phone)

”      Capture – notes of the appointment w/ Dr. Marvin

        ”      Capture – Notes from Dr. Dorman and Amie – the nurse

07-21-17 Word – still trying to put things together – prepare for Maury

Ok, we’re back.  Everything is added … we’re at 12:06PM.  It didn’t take too long.  I’m going to have to go back and skim it now to make sure nothing is out of sort TOO BAD!

@ 12:24PM  We’re back … I KNOW … BACK AGAIN!  It’s a very choppy entry today.  We’ve got about a half hour before we go to the podiatry appointment.  Everything there should be good.  Amie says the foot is looking better, and we’re just checking-in to assure that everything is ok.  Amie got us a special “shoe” yesterday, but we can’t where it to the doctor’s office, because it shouldn’t be used to drive the car.  It is good around the house, or when riding with Rich.  Again, by the time we get home about 4PM, Maury should be here, and then Rich should be here an hour or two after that.

I don’t think we can go through details of what had happened with all the material above.  We are satisfied, that we’ve pulled-it together, as much as possible.  SO, we are caught-up, with the exception that several of the things we had written about, we’re only partial accounts.  We were switching from thing to thing without expressing the entire story, and Austin was here, so we were trying very hard to put things aside, so it wouldn’t interfere with his appointment.

Austin, did catch-up on a short-hand version, and we remember telling him his mother would understand, because we thought this was the kind of thing she helped people with in her line of work.  That was our way of concluding that conversation. Basically, this is normal stuff for people who have been abused.  And, that we’d been triggered, and then went through countless flashbacks, but then ESPECIALLY, through Dr. Marvin, started working immediately through it in an assertive manner.  Basically, we needed to get control over our narrative – what we were going to do … ESPECIALLY, to help parts of us who had become suicidal.  Not when Austin or Maury were here, but we weren’t promising any safety with Dr. Marvin over the weekend.

Since, we’ve calmed down quite a bit.  It’s written in shorthand up above, but when we called the police where this had all happened, we didn’t get far.  They have no record of the situation.  We knew when we were at Mayo, BJ had a police officer come to his door.  He told us that.  But, most likely because we did NOT press charges (again out of love for BJ), whether misguided, or not, we did not press charges.  We went through a LONG stay after the assault staying at Mayo Hospital, in Rochester MN in the psych unit.  We were severely depressed and suicidal, and went through from what we were told – six procedures of ECT – electroconvulsive therapies.

We’ll perhaps, explain more of that later, but the big deal was in talking to Dr. Marvin, to get ALL of us safe until, we at LEAST see Dr. Marvin in his office on Tuesday, 07-25-17.  We’re much safer now than even talking to Dr. Marvin yesterday at 2PM.  Again, things are calming down – I BELIEVE, because we are being very assertive and supporting seriously the parts and our WHOLE who has gone through something triggered by BJ’s note.  I’m sure in his own way, he did not mean any harm.  I don’t think he understands what happened.  Dr. Marvin, said the word, “oblivious.”

We thought through his knowledge that we’d be with our boys this week, that he had been reading our blog.  That was part of our panic.  We thought, we’d lose access to writing, to keep ourselves safe, but since then – AGAIN, ESPECIALLY through Dr. Marvin, we’ve regained ground.  We decided that whether BJ is reading this blog, we were going to stay true to our nature, and like each day we write, we are just explaining our situation and experiences, and our decisions.

Back to the police, nothing to be done there … it’s a wiped slate.  Next, we called the local hospital, because we had to use it due to suicidal ideation – NOT related to BJ while we were in MN.  BUT, they stated that if nothing happened within seven years, the slate was wiped clean and they destroyed records.

The next call was to this wonderful woman at the Mayo Clinic.  She found our records that were written while staying at the psych ward, and with the Doctor Reese, who was doing our follow-up, until we left MN and came back toward Chicago.  We had a job waiting for us in Chicago, an apartment Rich and us had found, and we had an appointment the first day before we started our 12 years with St. Rose, with our current Dr. Marvin.  Again, it’s been 18 years, and he’s seen us ever since.

The wonderful woman at Mayo said, she could fax all the records from that time to Dr. Marvin for us by Tuesday at 1PM when we were going to have our next Dr. appointment.

Rich called back.  He wanted to make sure I knew that I knew about Spicer.  Yup knew!  And, HE didn’t know that Dana Bash had talked directly to Sean, who contacted her to say that he left to clear a path for the next person.  That’s good enough for me.  Sean took a lot of beating, particularly through his boss.  Dipshit!

Ok, sorry, didn’t mean to say that … it just came out.

I’m going to have to get going, just want to finish my last thought.  Let me think.

I guess the last thing, I will say, is that it was very important for us to listen to the parts who felt so devastated, even after all these years.  AND, it was important for us to be assertive with Dr. Marvin and the calls back to MN.  We admit, that we’d been through heavy psychiatric care, and it is important to us now, while we’re better able, to understand what had happened during that time.  We want to get past it.  A simple note from BJ, shouldn’t put us into emergency care.  I am pretty sure, he didn’t mean anything.  But it is scary and threatening to us nonetheless.

That’s it.  Gotta go!

 

 

 

 

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